I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
