I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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