I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
