At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
