she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
