I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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