It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
