This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
