There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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