Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
