got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Randomize
