The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
