I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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