If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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