You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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