Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
