I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
