Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
