Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
