He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
