I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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