I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
