Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
