If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
