My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
