Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize