then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
