I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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