You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
