From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
