Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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