if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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