Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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