come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Boobs speak an international language.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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