my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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