I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
