Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
