I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
