My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
