Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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