I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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