I just made out with a guy for $7.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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