I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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