Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
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