I wish I could teleport
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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