Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
