My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
and you said cock pushups were impossible
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
