dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
