At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
