he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
